Financial Poo

I'M IN FINANCIAL CRAP. Well what the hell, who isn't. MY fun started when I neglected to pay the minimum monthly payment on a credit card. Of course the next month it had almost tripled so I couldn't pay it! Next I went on the shit list, the Dirty Debters, a hundred years ago I would've gone to Fleet Street Prison for a couple of months.

SO I GOES to my bank and says, I want to get off this list by paying off the bill, a mere R$700, that's only about 170 quid guys! Uhm... I need just a little loan to pay off this bill to get me off the DD list. "Sorry, no can do, no loans I'm afraid...you're on the List".

I WENT TO CityBank who's advertising claims: "Doesn't even seem like a bank", by the advertizing I assumed they would be open, friendly, I assumed it would be a doddle to open an account. The nice young lady was open and friendly. After showing proof of my income... "Hmmm, Sorry you need to earn at least R$3,000 a month to open an account here." (My thoughts went back to Barclays when I was a young lad..."I'd like to open an account", "Have you got a quid?", "Here you are.", "Okay, thanks, just sign here".)

I HAD NO OPTION but to open an account in the bank of the credit card, which I had been trying to avoid doing. I have to deposit a monthly payment in order for them to extract that payment for the bill. So here's me opening the account...compare this with the Barclays business above:

DO YOU HAVE PROOF OF WHERE YOU LIVE?
(I hand over an Electric bill with my name and address on)
PROOF OF INCOME.
(Last income tax declaration)
MOTHER'S NAME.
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU NEED MY MOTHER'S NAME FOR???!!
I didn't say that, just supplied the info. Incidently my dear mother died 34 years ago.
ANY DEPENDENTS?
Two children
NAMES, AGES, EDUCATION UP TO NOW.
Now I'm getting a trifle annoyed. WHAT THE FUCKING HELL HAS THIS GOT TO DO WITH WHAT MONEY I WANT TO PUT IN OR TAKE OUT OF BANK???!!!
LOTS OF OTHER NORMAL INFO, JOB, TELEPHONE NUMBERS ETC.
okay, I don't mind that.
THEN SHE LOOKS AT THE ELECTRIC BILL NOTES DOWN THE AMOUNT AND PAYMENT DUE DATE.
NOW I'm mad and tell her. THAT IS AN INVASION OF PRIVACY!!


I WAS MAD. All that info went on the bank's computer of course. At the end I wanted to say, "oh you forgot...the colour of my underpants and prefered method of contraception while having sex, I use those damn rubber things you know, I'm thinking about getting the snip because injected hormones bloat the missus up too much and the oily rubber is quite yucky after doing it, isn´t it just? In fact it's quite yucky BEFORE doing it too, what does YOUR husband think?". But Brazilians don't quite understand irony so I stayed clammed.