WHEN SHE SMILES, IS THERE DIMPLES?

FOUR DAYS OF ABJECT POVERTY! Having spent all my well earned dosh on Christmas prezzies, my Coffers were distinctly diminished. I had placed all hope on a deposited cheque, Thursday last week - it only cleared this morning - a complete FRIGGING WEEK! Consequently I had NOODLES for Christmas lunch, not even a beer! Okay so I had had a sumptuous Christmas dinner on the Eve, as is Brazilian's want.

WHAT IS IT BRAZILIANS LOVE ABOUT LOUD BANGS? Where's the fun in hearing a loud banging noise? A lot of fun apparently, judging from Christmas Eve and Day. Don't get me wrong, I like fireworks as much as yer next man, when it's at night and a wonderful display of lights and exploding stars and whirly things. But just a loud bang, during the day, and throughout the day and NIGHT, actually it's no fun at all, it is, in fact, VERY FUCKING ANNOYING!! It goes on during the year too as the neighbourhood drug pushers send up rockets for varying reasons from "Here come the fucking pigs, run for it!" to "Got a new batch of Havana Gold in, get it fresh!".

A SMALL PIGEON, powerless to fly for some reason, had alighted on my terrace and stayed for a few days, I had thought of capturing it and eating it for Christmas lunch, but Good Will to all Men and Creatures and all that...Instead I put out a small dish of water and grains of rice, do small pigeons eat rice? Anyway, it's disappeared now, either learned to fly or some cat's got it. Maybe it was a message from some god or another - "Stop looking at Internet Porn!" Or maybe it was actually a gift from Heaven for me to eat for Christmas Lunch. Now there's a god somewhere is saying "Fuck you then you ungrateful bugger, I'll fly the thing to the nearest favela."

What's the smell of parsley?

HWYL FAWR and praise the Lord!
Make sure you fart well in the mornings.